Words and Meaning

I came across a passage in Meredith Maran's book My Lie that struck me as very true to my own experience:

...I realized that I had been doing this all my life: interpreting my father -- ascribing meaning to what he'd said and hadn't said, what he'd done and hadn't done.  Until this moment it had never occurred to me that the words and deeds he chose were up to him, but the meanings I chose to extract from his words and deeds -- they were up to me.

Although Ms. Maran's habit of ascribing meaning based on her own inner life had much more dramatic consequences in her life than it has had on mine, I can see how devastating it can be and how unfair it is to the people around us. It will save me a lot of pain and grief if I can be mindful of when I'm doing this.

Land of Medicine

Heard about this place on the radio today. It's a Buddhist retreat center in Santa Cruz that offers classes in meditation in a beautiful setting. I'm interested in trying this sometime!

For details, see Land of Medicine Buddha

Opposite Action

This week's lesson is opposite action. Generally, certain emotions illicit certain natural responses: when we're feeling angry we want to attack (either physically or verbally); when we feel guilt or shame we want to hide; when we feel fear we want to run or avoid. When we have these intense emotions, the actions they illicit lead to an even more intense emotional response. An emotion/action cycle is started, and once started, it's hard to stop.

The DBT skill of opposite action stops the emotion/action cycle by getting the gears to start working in the opposite direction. The idea is that by changing your action you can change your emotion. For example, the opposite action for fear is to approach or engage. By approaching and engaging rather than running and avoiding you diminish the fear. An important aspect of opposite action is doing the action wholeheartedly. No showing up to a party (or whatever causes fear) and sitting in the corner. You have to engage with mind, body and soul.

An Imperfect World

For work, I am reading a book called 5 Steps to Professional Presence. It's a good book with helpful information about being more visible in the workplace. I was surprised, however, to find a passage that was very helpful to me in terms of DBT and mindfulness:

"We live in an imperfect world full of flawed human beings. People are sometimes rude. We can't control the way others act and behave. Self-righteously trying to correct every grievance is pointless and nonproductive. Pointing out each indiscretion, rudeness, and slight is a waste of time and energy. Seeking to rise above poor manners is a much easier way to live, and it also epitomizes professionalism and presence."

Good advice from an interesting source!

Mindfulness of Current Emotion

This week's lesson in DBT is being mindful of current emotions, both positive and negative. The goal is to break the cycle of avoiding emotion. Being mindful and experiencing an emotion without acting on it actually decreases the intensity of the emotion and makes the painful emotion recede more quickly. I spend a lot of energy trying to suppress emotions, especially tears. Suppression rarely works, so I end up crying much more intensely and in addition to the sadness that caused the tears, I experience secondary emotions like self-loathing for not being able to control my tears. This week's homework is to document being mindful to a painful emotion by identifying the emotion, describing how it's expressed bodily, thoughts about the emotion, environmental precipitants, behavior and how I felt afterward.

iPhone Tools for Meditation

I thought I'd try posting from my phone and thought a good subject would be the apps I've found that help with meditation. My two favorites are Peace Alarm and iMantra. Peace Alarm is a great meditation timer with very clear, soothing sounds to begin and end a sitting. iMantra has a selection of mantras from many traditions plus a bead counter.

STOP

I went on my walk at work, and I was really working on being more mindful. I noticed many things I never noticed before and old, familiar sights took on new meaning.

There is an intersection on my walk that has three streets coming together. Three stop signs. Three huge painted "STOPs". That's a good metaphor for when my thoughts get out of hand, running to the negative or just running period. Just STOP. Stop and look around at where I am and what I am doing. There is peace there.